Gryffin is four months old, and Roen is nearly 3 and a half. By now, I should know Gryffin’s schedule. I should know how to handle Roen’s tantrums because I’ve seen them several times before. I should know what each of Gryffin’s different cries mean. I should know a lot of things by now. But I don’t. I’m forgetful, scatterbrained, impatient, and a little bit grumpy many days. Just when I felt like I was getting this motherhood thing figured out with Roen, out came Gryffin, and not only was he a game changer, but Roen changed it up when he started becoming more sensitive and full of emotions he doesn’t yet understand how to regulate. I hate admitting that it’s been hard for me, because I know I have it easier than most. The thought of me writing my complaints makes me feel sick. And yet, it’s healing. One day I can look back at this with my only complaint being that it went by way too fast. But for now…

 Endless cleaning has been taking its toll on me. Interrupted sleep is taking its toll. A crying baby and toddler is one of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard, because I want to fix it all at once and I can’t. They need me. I need them, but am I there for them the way they need me to be? By the time Matt and I have alone time, I’ve spent all of my patience and energy on the kids and cleaning the house. My anxiety has began to greet me once again each night. My obsession to have a neat house has become harder and harder to obtain. 

But cuddling next to my tiny sleeping baby is one of the best feelings in the world. Being able to roll over to nurse him back to sleep throughout the night makes me feel thankful. I can nourish him with nothing but my body. I don’t have to leave the warmth of the blankets to make a bottle. Seeing his face every day as he laughs, smiles, coos, or stares wide eyed as he takes it all in is such a treat. I constantly think, he’s mine, he’s part of me, I helped create him. Hearing his cry and knowing that, even when I don’t know what he’s crying for at all, I can be here for him. To comfort, hold, rock, sing, feed, play with him. Not a nanny, not a daycare worker, ME. How fortunate I am to stay home with my little creation and spend the days with him as he grows. 

My Roen, my sweet sensitive Roen. He made me a mom. He’s taught me so much  in his 3 years of life and I am in awe of him. The person he already is. Kind, funny, outgoing, silly, and smart. What did I do to become a mom to such a sweet soul? Every meltdown he has that drives me crazy is a constant reminder that I have to strive to be better. I have to model how to manage my emotions so that he can learn. And yet, how can I teach him how to feel when sometimes I just want to cry with him out of frustration. I too am still learning how to control my emotions.I will always work towards being there for him in the way that he needs me to be. He deserves that an so much more.

My husband is the glue that holds this family together. I can hug him and feel my worries melting away, even if for just a moment. He’s there for me in ways I can only hope I’m there for him. He is the best dad to our boys. I am enormously grateful for him.

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